i want to know what the hell it is that i am feeling right now.

i want to feel like i've accomplished something great, something noble and worthy of your praise, your kisses, your admiration, your respect. i want to feel like you know and understand all the shit thats going on in my head and i want you to say that everything will be ok, i'll be fine and you'll be fine and the world will go on.

i want to feel like i've done something sweet and thoughtful.

i want to feel drunk with happiness and elated that i've done the right thing, that i can move on with myself because i've done the very best thing. more than you could ever want to know and life will be simpler and i'll be able to get my shit together and grow on my own and become a well rounded and well balanced and well adjusted individual and all that jazz.

i want you to know that i realize that i am an asshole jerk. i want to actually feel like an asshole jerk and i want you to be the one to say it to me. i want you to say it like you mean it and oh how i wish you would drive over here and just slap me so that i could see you again. i wish you would curse at me and at my family and then you would cry and apologize and then i could cry and apologize and then maybe we'd go get something to eat.

i want to feel what its like to be in love with an asshole jerk. i want to feel what its like to be blind and deaf to all crappy little asshole jerkoff things that they do and say to me and still be in love with them. i want to know what it is like to love somebody who treats me like shit.

i want to know how it feels to know that i've made the right decision. i'd like to take that feeling and share it with the whole world so that more people will make the same decision that i did and that way i wouldn't be feeling so alone right now.